When Relationships Feel Hard: Turning Conflict Into Connection with Valerie Green

Conflict As A Path To Closeness

A conflict doesn't always mean that a relationship is broken, right? Sometimes it reveals what needs to be understood, expressed, and healed. Today we're exploring what happens beneath the surface of relationship conflict, the emotional triggers, old patterns, and unspoken needs that can quietly create distance. My guest shares how greater self-awareness and more honest communication can help us build relationships that feel safer, more connected and more intimate. So welcome to Connect, Inspire, Create, a podcast where we explore meaningful conversations about life, about work, creativity, and just exploring French ideas. Just to slow down enough to notice what uh intrigues us or inspires us and how these insights can help us shape what we create in our lives. So joining me today is Valerie Green, a relationship mentor who has spent more than two decades helping women and couples move beyond recurring conflict and disconnection towards greater intimacy, understanding, and lasting love. Valerie's work grew out of her own experience in relationships where she found herself suppressing emotions, as many of us do, and avoiding difficult conversations. That sounds familiar. So that journey led her into years of personal exploration and studying with leading relationship experts. And today she helps people recognize those patterns beneath conflict, communicate more honestly, and create relationships where love and connection can continue to grow even when things feel difficult.

So, Valerie, welcome. Thank you, Carol. It's so wonderful to be here. And I really love that introduction because this is one of my favorite things to talk about.

I am so pleased because it's actually a new topic for me. I don't I kind of think if I've had anybody talk about relationships, certainly not for a while. And in all aspects, even if it's not romantic, we can all do with inspiration and ideas on on how to work on relationships and make this world a better place.

Absolutely. And yeah, and I don't only coach romantic relationships, although it's I it's my main focus is couples and also singles who want to, you know, move beyond unhealthy patterns in love and attract somebody who with whom they can build a life together. But sometimes I also coach families or work relationships or you know, a parent-child, uh usually adult children with their adult parents. And it's the same principles that apply, really, you know, no matter what, that conflict can be an opportunity for deeper connection. And of course, I love talking about that.

Who Taught You About Love

Yeah, I've got a host of questions to dig into, but I would love to ask you before we kind of get into relationships and communication and conflict. If you and I were just sitting together over a cup of coffee, and I asked you, who has taught you the most about love? Not necessarily romantic love, but it could be. Who comes to mind?

Oh God, you know, it's funny. It's I'm in the process of actually creating another online course on this topic because I look at love and and I I also host a podcast called Soul Shaking Love. So I look at love actually in four dimensions, and I feel like there's been different influences in all four. So there's spiritual love, which is the source of who we are, and we need to have a connection in our own lives to our higher self, which could be, if you're not religious or spiritual, it could just be your core values. But but that is what allows you to have a love relationship with the highest part of yourself or the whole that's greater than the sum of its parts, because I also do a modality called internal family systems to connect us to our, you know, essential self. So in that way, I feel like there's many spiritual teachers that have influenced me throughout the years, but currently I actually speak about self-energy by Dr. Dick Schwartz, who created IFS as a spiritual practice, which is allowing yourself to tap into the qualities of connection. And there's, you know, eight C's and five Ps of self-energy, which is, you know, a self-love, you know, which is things like compassion and curiosity and courage and connectedness. So that's the, you know, there's been so many spiritual teachers I have, and I don't consider, you know, IFS necessarily a spiritual modality, it's a healing modality, but that's currently my biggest influence. In terms of love, romantic love, you know, which is the emotional attachment connection. I would say Dr. Sue Johnson has been the biggest influence on me because I studied emotionally focused therapy, which they let me do as a coach. And it's really about how uh this is the main the meat and potatoes, so to speak, although I prefer to say, you know, meat and vegetables of potatoes or vegetables, but you know, anyway, uh I I you know I no no knocking potatoes, but I prefer other ones. Yes, exactly. Because I actually started out as a health coach, but you know, I you know, because that that is like actually the the love of the physical body, which I'll I'll get to in a minute, but you know, and and the harmony with the physical body, and and you know, potatoes are great if you like them. But but anyway, it's a modality that has people learn how to identify recurring conflict from an attachment-based perspective and to develop secure attachment, meaning that you learn how to be a safe haven for each other emotionally and you know, identify the cycle, step out of it and connect on a deeper emotional level, which, you know, I imagine will be the bulk of what we talk about with conflict. And then though, you know, we so that's more emotional love, you know, based on secure attachment. But then there's the kind of intellectual love, which I actually look more at John Gottman, because he studies what keeps couples alive, you know, the relationship alive, not couples alive, you know, relationship alive for the rest of your life, right? Lasting life. He studied couples over like 45 years at this point, with what he calls the masters and disasters. And his philosophy is a little bit more intellectual, meaning, what are the seven, like his most famous book is the seven principles that make marriage work, from and he analyzed it from you know, shared values, shared vision, and a culture of goodwill and friendship, and you know, like the distinctions of the habits, the science of trust, you know, how you break down little interactions of bids for connection. So that's what the biggest influence for me in terms of the understanding of what makes love last. And then, of course, there's the body piece, you know, how to when we make love, right, with our beloved, it is how to have harmony on a physical level with each other. I actually also used to be a Tantra teacher. And so for me though, if we're talking about how to keep love alive through the body, there's so many different teachers that have influenced me the most. But I actually, the teacher who I resonate the most in terms of how to keep love alive in a long-term relationship is actually David Snarch at the moment and his book, The Passionate Marriage, because he gets a lot into the body awareness piece and how to recognize that you can tolerate discomfort in the body for growth when you look at keeping sexual desire alive in the long term in a relationship. And, you know, there's that that that is in terms of how to make love throughout the rest of your life. And there's many other teachers that have influenced me. But, you know, I know that's kind of a complicated answer, but nobody's wonderful resources.

So I'm gonna grab some of those books and hope that I can you know pop some of those into the show notes if people are interested in reading any of them.

Seeing Conflict As Information

But this is a perfect, you know, talking about intimacy. You often you've spoken about transforming conflict into intimacy, and many of us I think see conflict as a sign of oh, something's wrong. What changes if we can begin to look at conflict as information instead?

Yeah, exactly. And so I want to talk more on, you know, because what the biggest, of course, we have to be able to slow down and regulate our nervous system and be in our body, but the biggest deterrent to seeing conflict as an opportunity is that our, you know, uh our survival programming gets kind of filtered through our defenses, you know. So that's what prevents us from seeing the deeper opportunity of conflict. What happens is we go into fight or flight. And usually based on our attachment programming, which is what worked in childhood. And when I say worked, what worked to keep us feeling safe. So the the two main insecure attachment styles, we've probably heard of this. If not, then it's sort of like introduction, like the anxious preoccupied style. What worked growing up to get your parents' attention was to keep on because that it's the same patterns that we then project into our adult relationships, exactly. Yes. Is to kind of like worry about you know, my parents available as I need them to be and strategize. Like, how do I reach out? How do I get their attention? How do I be good? How do I spiraling, yeah, with anxious thoughts? Right. And pre preoccupation, like how do I win my parents' approval? You know, who I need to make myself into in order to earn love. And so how that translates into an adult relationship is we're kind of in our heads strategizing or making up stories, like he didn't call, maybe he's out with another woman, or how do I get him to, you know, maybe I'll give so that he'll give back, right? But we're kind of in our heads about it and not in our body. And so how that shows up in conflict is we're always trying to solve problems and tell the other person what we need, but in a way where we're outward focused and we're not so much looking at what I am feeling and needing on an emotional level that I can express where I trust that my partner wants to meet my needs.

Yeah, it's more it sounds to me, it's more of a desperation. We're clinging onto something, and then we're trying to mold it without taking two people coming together. Because now I'm sure you're going to share the the other one, the avoidance, and and where does you know how does the avoidance deal with conflict? They just run away.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a little more complicated than that. I don't think for the simplicity, they don't see themselves as running away. You know, if we talk to avoidance, they would say that like they're actually being kind by not getting angry and um you know that conflict is just not productive, and they only want to talk when both people are clear-headed, you know. So if the other person is acting desperate, that's their problem. And come to me when you're calm or try to solve it rationally, you know. Um the the anxious person sees that as running away because you're running away from the real issue, and so that's why it's a cycle, and you know, but I'll I'll I'll go a little bit more into the avoidant, which because I don't it's not a pathology, and this is not a judgment. In fact, I actually identify, well, I believe that my husband and I now have earned secure attachment, you know, which is the amazing what you're working towards, right? Yeah, no, exactly. The attachment styles are not a pathology and they're not something that is set in stone. And it could actually change depending on the relationship you're in. Like if you're with someone who's really avoidant, you'll be more anxious if if you don't really have the skills of building secure attachment, which I look at as a belief system and a skill set, you know, which I can tell. Right. You know, it's the skill of slowing down, stopping trying to get the other person to change, you know, because both sides are trying to get the other person to change and or judging the way the other person's showing up, and instead learning how to give compassion to your own feelings and needs, such that you can, and learning how to challenge your thoughts and beliefs that, you know, this is not workable, the other person is unreasonable, the other person doesn't care. You know, so learning how to really challenge those beliefs such that we can have trust and safety, that if we express ourselves vulnerably in a collaborative way and we learn how to listen to the feelings and needs of the other person, then we can feel like we're on the same team. And that is the prerequisite for solving the problem. You know, it's feeling first, fact second is the way that I always look at it. But just a little bit more on the avoidant because I want to make sure that I'm not saying that uh either one of these attachment styles are wrong, right? They're all of these are adaptations to feel like we're keeping ourselves safe and in control and that we're trying to get our needs met, right? That's the positive intention. So I don't want to come, I don't want to imply that any of this is negative, however, it has a negative outcome. So the avoidant, you know, they don't sometimes they leave, meaning they sometimes they just take space without communicating why, and that's what makes the anxious person more anxious the most. But other times they will say things like, you know, you're over-emotional, you need to be more rational, or they try to fix the feelings, you know, like don't feel that way, think this way instead. You know, we need to be solution focused and not get carried away with ourselves, right? Or they'll say, I'm gonna leave because I can't be around you, and I'll I'll I'll come back when you're acting like calm down and I can actually get through to you.

Or they might just like focus on other things like work interesting, put yeah, to put it all for a time being and say, we'll come back to this when when both people are calm. But

Stories, Facts, And Feeling First

yeah, once we recognize this trigger that we're talking about and then and this conversation, I mean there's two things that come to me. One is you know, you make me feel, we can reframe that into I feel something because of the scenario, and then looking for the facts as opposed to the spiraling of the story, right?

Right. Or I find, you know, because a lot of times when we are in fight or flate, we're not aware that we don't know the facts because our survival brain takes over and we just kind of believe our thoughts. So I find that an intermediary step, if we don't know the facts, is to say something like, I have a story that, or you know, here's here's what I'm making up, because the thing is that nobody really knows the other person's truth until we hear it from them. Right. So a lot of times we make assumptions like you don't care, or you think about it this way, or you know, you know, because the conflict usually centers around key issues, you know, if in a romantic relationship, it's you know, cleanliness, it's in-laws, it's parenting styles, it's you know, one person having more time than the other, you know, feeling working harder, I'm cooking all the time, right?

That I'm taking too many responsibilities. How are we sharing this load? We're supposed to be a team.

Yes, yes, one person feels unsupported, or money obviously is a big one. So, you know, that is the issue on the surface, right? But a lot of times we make up stories about the other person's point of view and accuse them of having that point of view, and then they feel misunderstood, and then that's what the conflict is actually about, is that the person feels misunderstood. So, what I'm saying is the the feelings first fact second paradigm is that you don't try to solve the issue until both people's feelings and desires are actually addressed. So, for example, you know, it's funny, I was just coaching a couple last night about chores, and you know, that they they various issues about you know, both people thinking that they did more than the other person and you know not feeling appreciated enough, but also like one person's resistance to certain things, and so if they tried to solve it on the surface, they were just arguing about well, I do more or I do more, or I need to be appreciated, or I'm not appreciated, or this isn't being addressed, and then you're not on the same team. I mean, you're kind of talking over each other, right? And so that's why it's important, first of all, to slow down and look at if you did get what you wanted out of this, a lot of times people aren't aware of anything other than, well, then the other person would change. You know, what I want is for the other person to change, and if that's what you want, right? Well, I mean, it's it's interesting. I actually really like the quote by Carl Rogers that as soon as the I'm accepted, then I can change. Because that's what I notice is that it's not like I mean, both the point is that both of you have to change, you know. Exactly.

You've got to do the work and you've got to be, but you've got to want to do the work. Yeah. I suppose

Victim Versus Empowered Vulnerability

that's where the you know the the draft comes from. I have to ask you, do you think many people confuse vulnerability with giving too much of themselves away too quickly?

Well, yes, because the the definition of vulnerability, if you look it up in the dictionary, is that you know you can be hurt, you know, and so a lot of people look at vulnerability as like I'm revealing something in myself that makes me able to be hurt, so that could be overgiving, and because then people feel vulnerable, but it also could be saying something that they consider makes them weak. And I mean, I love, of course, Brene Brown's teaching about vulnerability that it takes a lot of courage, you know, to actually express that part of yourself. But there's a difference between what I look at as a victim vulnerability versus an empowered vulnerability, and I think a victim vulnerability, like we can think we're vulnerable when we're actually complaining. Exactly. And in self-deprecating language, and yes, that is vulnerable. If I'm saying, woe is me, I feel so unworthy. And what that needs is compassion, of course. But usually in a relationship, if one person is acting like a victim, it really just depends on whether you've created a culture of being a safe haven for each other. But at least if I'm feeling like a victim, what works is to request support from the other person, you know, because otherwise, if the other person, if we it if they don't know what we need, then they could try to get us out of it, you know, or judge us for being negative. And so it's important at the very least, if you're going to be vulnerable, to know if you're expressing it to the other person, what do I want to get out of it? Right.

Yeah, and that's that's what's the lacking. I I mean, I like what you bring up that that victim mentality because it obviously requires a lot of work, but it's so damaging. Um it's really damaging to a relationship and to the person because you know it brings me to self-trust. Um, one you know, to learn to trust yourself that you can be vulnerable and trust the situation that you can be vulnerable is a beautiful journey to go on.

Right, no, exactly. And so the way that I coach people to be vulnerable is more an empowered type of vulnerability, which means that I'm giving myself compassion first. And in doing that, I can say, I mean, because there's a difference between believing those thoughts, you know, which is what we're talking about, is like when we the way to transform conflict into intimacy or deeper connection is first of all to have a deeper connection with ourself and know, and and if we can't get out of our thoughts to request support, which is empowered to say, what do I want to get out of this? Help me, please. Do you have time to help me get out of this? You have time to give me empathy for my feelings and help me to figure out. Out what's true, you know, is an empowered way to say that I don't know how to do that for myself. But at least we're giving ourselves enough compassion to know what we need. We need support in that moment. Right. Yeah.

Self-Regulation And Co-Regulation Tools

As opposed to attacking. Right, which is really, really hard to do, you know? And so that's why it requires a lot of self-compassion and self-regulation. But then there's also co-regulation. So a lot of times, you know, just to broad stroke it, the steps that I teach for couples to transform conflict and can into connection is first of all to recognize that the way the other person's acting, they're also in survival. Yes. And so instead of judging their behavior and why are you getting defensive or why are you shutting me down or why are you attacking me, it's because we're both in survival energy, right? We're in our survival programming. And so to recognize that it's neither person's fault, but one person's survival is a contagious. It triggers the other person's survival. The more demanding the anxious partner gets, the more it triggers the avoidant partner to feel rejected or engulfed. And then they'll get more dismissive. And the more dismissive they get, the more the anxious partner feels abandoned, and the more they get demanding. And, you know, it's a cycle. And so to recognize that it's neither one of you's fault, it's the cycle's fault. And then to learn how to co-regulate and self-regulate. So the self-regulating is pausing and giving yourself compassion for your feelings and needs, taking ownership for your stories and asking for support and finding what's true. Right. I have a story that you this is why you do this. Is that true? I really am curious to get to know you and your point of view, you know, and to validate that it makes sense from your point of view, even if I don't agree, right? That's the mental part of it. But the emotional part of it can be, first of all, co-regulation. So what that looks like between my husband and I is that if we like we have a rule that if we start arguing, because no couple can prevent arguing. Absolutely. It is that we like we don't take a time out. And some couples need to take a time out and come back. But if you do, then I recommend creating a time limit on it. Like we'll come back in a half hour, we'll come back in two hours, whatever. So that otherwise the anxious person is going to feel more abandoned if they think that there's an indefinite amount of time. But usually my husband and I don't need to take literal physical space, but we have to kind of create a container. We we say pause trying to solve the argument, and we need to drop in to talk about our feelings and needs.

I love this because it brings me just something on your website that that I've I've pulled out and I'm gonna read it. And it says, I learned how to love myself and him through any emotions we were feeling. I learned how to listen to him when he was upset and say, Wow, that must be really hard. What do you need from me right now? And we could just listen and comfort each other, and we felt heard, validated, and accepted for who we were. And I'm guessing this was a relationship that you had a long time ago. Did that set the pattern into allowing this co-regulation that you're talking about?

Yes, I know. It's thank you for reading that.

Ending Well And Staying Respectful

Um that's a story that I believe I have on my about page. And that's also a fun story. I mean, not fun, meaning, but I feel open-hearted when I think about it, you know, because um I actually learned that with my ex-husband, but because of that, we were able to transition our relationship into a loving friendship, and that's how we ended our marriage, you know, with just blessing each other as you know, just having lifelong goodwill towards each other, and then we both found other people that we were more compatible with after that, you know. And it's funny, I actually helped him like gave him some coaching with his next program after we broke up. Um, not not that he like not telling him what to do, but holding some.

Right, but just suggesting some areas that uh oh I just love that. Well, Valerie,

Free Breakthrough Session And Next Steps

this is a good time for me to talk about the fact that you have got a complimentary breakthrough to lasting love session, which I I picked out on your website. And I like the questions that you ask because it's for people that are are committed and who want to move in that direction. But do you want to talk a little bit about that's that session?

Oh yeah. And the process that I'm teaching now, it is really custom, you know. So that's why when I work with somebody, and I really do prefer one-on-one work. I've ran groups before and I have an online course, and but I love the one-on-one work because each person's situation is different. And I love creating custom programs when I work with people, it really is anywhere between usually it takes at least four sessions in order to turn a dynamic around. The average time I work with someone is about three months, but then I have people that I've been coaching on and off for years too, because it really just depends on if you're looking to solve recurring conflict as a you know, to learn the skills to build secure attachment, I would say that that takes three to six months. But some people I just, you know, want ongoing support through life's challenges and you know, yeah, they come they come at you at different seasons of life. Yeah, which is also really fulfilling for me. So that's why I always create custom programs. And so to do that, if you're considering hiring a coach for ongoing support for at least four sessions, then I do offer a free 90-minute breakthrough session. And the reason why it's 90 minutes is just because in order to create a custom program for you, I really need to hear what your current challenge is, what your history is, like, you know, meaning how how long have these patterns been going on? Because usually if something is a pattern in your current relationship, it started a lot earlier, you know. So we're kind of identifying where did how long ago did this start? What have you already tried?

Yeah, so did you start with this all together? Right. In in and create, which is wonderful. Yeah, that is you saying it's so so personal. So for people to who are interested, and after they've listened to our conversation, I've got the link at your website, Coach Valerie Green backslash free strategy session. I'll make sure that I put that in the notes. And then Valerie, where else is it best for people to connect with you?

Yeah, well, my website actually has all the links too. And I also have, as I was saying, I have there's a tab on my website that's free ebooks slash trainings. So I have uh, you know, free ebooks or video trainings if you want to get to know my work. But I do post, I have a podcast as well as I do a lot of other interviews or blog posts or you know, whatever I am musing about. So my Instagram, I think, is the best way to follow the latest tidbit that I'm sharing. All right.

Yeah, and I and I love that. Yeah, just giving back little, as you say, little bit. So I know this conversation, it's a reminder that, yeah, healthy relationship, as you said, isn't one without conflict. And it's often where we learn to understand. I think that's what you've been explaining to us, what sits beneath that conflict. And you've shared, you know, how we can step into trying to learn how to communicate with greater honesty and to keep choosing connection without losing ourselves in the process. Because I think that is important, is that you know, as you say, it's it's coexisting, it's putting both people as equally important.

Yeah, exactly.

Free Trainings And Closing Reflections

Uh and I do actually have the free gift that's most appropriate to what I've shared in this interview is there's a video training. You can see it on my home page. It's called Three Steps to Stop Fighting and Start Connecting. And I made it for couples, and there's basically um, I outline the steps at their, you know, the the steps that I started to outline on this interview. And I actually made it 10 years ago, but I think it's still applied. I'm wearing like a little detective hat is like you know, it's about being the detective about you know what what it is their core desire underneath what they're sharing and then expressing yours so that you feel like you can co-create a win-win solution from that. And obviously it's the the bare bones of what I'm saying. But then it also includes an email training where you I I talk about how to identify the cycle and you know, how for the anxious or avoidant, you know, how to really regulate your nervous system and what to do if the other person's pointing, sorry, is withdrawing, or what to do if the other person seems demanding, you know, like how to really solve those core challenges that come up in conflict. So lots of my wonderful resources. Yeah, yeah. The video training. So you can perfect.

Thank you. Thank you so much so much for sharing. And just can't so for my listeners. I'll have everywhere that you can connect with Valerie, find out more about what she's offering, look at her resources, and if it's something that you think somebody else might need to know, I invite you to share this episode with you. So life doesn't always unfold the way we imagined, and we often find ourselves navigating change, uncertainty, loss, or simply wondering what comes next. And as a life coach, I believe in gentle accountability, learning to trust ourselves, take the next step, and continuing to create a meaningful life in a way that feels right for us. And if something in today's conversation made you pause, I have just recently created a free reflection guide called Pause, Notice, and Choose. And it offers five thoughtful prompts to help you reconnect with yourself, notice what matters, and choose one gentle next step. So you can find the guide, learn more about my coaching, or connect with me at CarolClegg.com, and you'll also find me on LinkedIn. So thank you for spending time with Valerie and myself today. And until the next time, stay curious, trust yourself, and keep creating what comes next. Thank you. Thank you. That was wonderful.